If you know anything about me, you know I’m a bit of an astrology junkie. I’ve been studying the planetary archetypes for about a decade now. You may be wondering what the hell astrology has to do with the subject of this post, but trust me, we’ll get there.
Whether you “believe” in astrology or not, you can still understand the connections I’m about to make. Or at least I hope you will.
In the study of astrology, symbolism is king. There are two planets most symbolically associated with the father: The Sun, and Saturn. By discussing these, we will access the heart of just how badly daddy issues can fuck you up.
Sound fun? Let’s go!
THE SUN AS FATHER
The Sun represents that thing we call…ego. Remember Beyoncé’s song that says, ”I got a big ego…?” Yeah. That’s what she was singing about.
Your ego is the part of you that’s self-aware, knows how to individuate, and knows exactly who the fuck you are without a doubt.
So in short…Our Dads can represent our identity. So by default, daddy issues can fuck with your sense of identity.
SATURN AS FATHER
Saturn represents hard work, discipline, and time. The energy of this planet doesn’t fuck around, it makes sure you stay on those p’s and q’s, and isn’t afraid to punish you if you don’t. It‘s the tough love type of energy.
So Daddy issues can make your relationship to ‘hard work’ a bit weird. You may work yourself to death to prove you’re worth it, or have no motivation at all. What Saturn can give to us, is drive and ambition.
So let’s get to the more practical talk about daddy issues.
If you’re fortunate enough to have lived a life without dealing with daddy issues, then I’m really happy for you, forreal, and you’re welcome to join in on the discussion as well.
In my debut novel, Mr. Magick, I gave both my protagonists daddy issues and I didn’t even realize it until I was done writing the manuscript.
Raised by a badass, young and determined single mother, I can admit daddy issues, and overcoming them, are an integral part of the person I am today.
So what are daddy issues?
Simply put, daddy issues is an irreverent phrase for the psychological term, “father complex.”
According to the theory, father complex develops after you’ve had a shitty or non-existent relationship with your dad.
The following tips and tricks for overcoming your daddy issues and transforming them into something else have come from combination of my personal experience in life, and research I’ve gathered from reading relationship psychology books.
Therefore, none of this stuff is law and should be taken with a MASSIVE grain of salt.
I hope you find some value in them.
5 WAYS DADDY ISSUES CAN INFLUENCE YOUR RELATIONSHIP and How to Turn them Around
YOU LOOK FOR A DADDY IN YOUR PARTNER
This one is kind of a given and I’m sure you’ve already heard about it Before. When you have difficulty relating to the father archetype as a child, you may grow up and look at your partner as if he should be a replacement father, making your relationship more like a father-child relationship than a romantic one.
This is an understandable reaction, as you haven’t really had the time to understand the father energy, which is essentially a figure who provides you tough and consistent love, as well as a sense of identity.
But when you have a hole in your heart where your father should have been, you may unintentionally project your longing for a father onto your man, and this may pose issues down the line when you need to be able to have your own self confidence or belief in yourself. After all, truly healthy relationship is comprised of two whole individuals, not two broken ones.
Resist the urge to get into a relationship before you know your true identity. And if you do get into a relationship with no sense of identity, be conscious of what you’re doing. And also know, the relationship may combust once you get closet to understanding who you really are.
This may mean you wait for a while before being serious with a man. To be clear, when I say identity, I don’t mean you need to know your career choice, although that’s a good idea too.
What I mean is you should have your own clear standards and know exactly what it is you want out of a relationship with a man. If you want to be a stay at home mom, know that in your heart and stick to your guns.
If you want no children and just want a man to bone you every now and then, own that.
If you’re not traditional, hate the idea of a family, and you wanna buy your own ring, make that shit clear. The key theme here is to decide who you want to be, and own that. Unapologetically.
You’re an adult now and you shouldn’t be looking to a man to raise you or tell you who you are. Big girl panties!
YOU ARE SENSITIVE…about your identity.
Like I said before, in many ways, a father can give his child a sense of identity. This is not to say that you can’t identify with your mother, because you totally can.
However the reality is that two beings came together to make you, not one. So if you have this disconnection with your father, you may struggle a little with having a grasp of who you are or who you want to be.
In a relationship this can become confusing, or you may get to a point where you are looking for your man to tell you who you are versus already having a sense of who you are.
Similar to the first point, be kind to yourself in your journey to discovering who you want to be.
After a tough relationship with dad, you may have thinner skin or maybe even too rough of skin, when it comes to relating to men in general. Own that sensitivity, and work to become a more whole and stable person in your identity.
Trust issues anyone? “Whoa, ohhh…trust issues.” *Drake Voice*
I know you love that song.
This one is big, though. Sometimes this one is so strong, you write off dating or a relationship all together. Why do daddy issues give us trust issues? Well because we haven’t learned how to trust masculine energy.
When you’ve had an absent or abusive father, you get accustomed to this belief that men just aren’t trustworthy. (The verdict is still out on whether this is true or not, but that’s a conversation for another day).
Let’s get back on topic, though.
Since daddy issues are primarily driven into us when we are small children and therefore not completely conscious, this belief that we can’t trust men gets implanted deep into the psyche in a place where sometimes we can’t even find it. As a result, we become magnets to men who affirm this belief by proving themselves untrustworthy.
It may take years of psychological work to dig up this belief and change it. I know because I’ve done it and trust me…it may take time but it’s worth it!
If you can, seek the help of a therapist or counselor to talk through your issues with trust. If this isn’t available, listen to a lot of depressed musical artist until you get tired of sitting in your own funk.
I’m kidding. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
Seriously though, a good way to begin to heal trust issues is to first admit that you don’t trust yourself. When you don’t trust others, it’s a reflection that you likely don’t trust your own ability to vet a person based on their character.
You need to start first by learning to trust your own gut(which is really God or your spiritual connection to source), to lead you to the right person. Some ways to begin to trust yourself comes from GETTING TO KNOW YOURSELF. Personally I do this by:
–Journaling on a regular basis to track my thoughts and emotions and look back on it for patterns of thought
-Paying attention to artists I’m drawn to
-Making a notes of the types of hobbies I enjoy
-Going out alone to get a sense of how I operate when I don’t have someone to support me
-Create art (whatever you like to create, just do it!)
Those are just a few things you could try to try to get closer to the core of who you actually are. Also this is something you can continue to do throughout life, even after you’re married. I’m married and I still like to check in with myself, because I’m constantly evolving and becoming more than I was previously.
YOU ASSUME YOUR PARTNER WILL LEAVE YOU
This piggy backs off of the previous point. When you have daddy issues you’re used to being let down by a male figure. So now in your relationship you go in with this perspective that you’re gonna get left anyway.
Can you imagine what kind of woman that makes you? Do you think you’ll be pleasant to be around if you’re constantly worrying about when he’s gonna ditch you? Can you truly love when you’re filled with fear?
Prove to yourself that you are lovable through the way you treat yourself. What does this mean? It means, take actions in your life that a woman who loves herself would. This could look different from woman to woman, but I’ll give you some of mine:
-When a man violates your boundaries, tell him. If he doesn’t respect it, leave. He’s not the one for you.
–Beautify yourself in whatever way you prefer to. Get your nails and hair done, wear clothing that makes you feel like you’re worth it. If you’re not into beauty, do whatever would make you feel like the shit.
-Write a list of your positive traits and post it somewhere you’ll see it. A good idea would be to place the positive traits on your phone background, or send yourself reminders with positive statements about your value. These traits can be about your physical body, or abut your skills, doesn’t matter. Just make sure they are positive and that you actually believe them.
YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE UNLOVABLE
This is a deep one, and it can take a while to transmute this belief. When a father is absent, subconsciously you may latch on to the idea that he wasn’t there because you weren’t worth him being there.
This hits home for me and even as I write these words, I can feel some of the residual feelings coming back. The truth is that you are lovable, regardless of what your father chose to do.
In order to learn more about changing beliefs, I recommend you watch this video by Teal Swan. I got a lot of value from it.
When it comes to changing beliefs the first thing to accept is that it takes time, the same way it takes time to develop a belief. You can speed up the process by reprogramming your brain to LOOK FOR the inherent value within you.
What do I mean by that?
Think about a baby. When you are a baby do you have to “do” anything to be worthy of love? No! You get love because you are filled with potential.
The same is true for you now. Even though you’re not a baby, you’re still filled with potential. Within the next five minutes, Or even seconds, you can decide you want to be and act like a person who is valuable. You are pure potential, and you are always evolving.
DO NOT expect other people to understand what you’re doing initially. People you already know are only going to be familiar with the old version of you.
The key to changing your belief deals with convincing YOURSELF that you have value.
Whether or not someone else sees it, is their problem, not yours. Remember, you’re changing YOUR belief. Once you really believe something, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says about it.
Think about it. You believe the sky is blue. If someone tries to tell you it’s orange, are you going to automatically give up your belief? No! They would have to prove it to you. And even if they tried, it would ultimately be your choice as to whether you want to believe in the orange sky or not.
One way I helped myself understand I was lovable was by looking at my father as a human with issues, just like me.
I healed tremendously once I was old enough to understand my father is a human and therefore flawed. Instead of taking his absence to mean I wasn’t worth of love, I had to understand that his absense was more about his life and what he was dealing with, than me. He had his own demons to slay.
Now I can have empathy towards the man he was, and appreciate what he did offer me, instead of being bitter and internalizing the abandonment.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s crucial that you know and firmly believe within your heart that you are worthy of love. That way, you will accept nothing but the best from your partner, and you will also have that to give in return.
*I am not a therapist, and this post does not constitute advice from a licensed therapist or psychologist. If you need help from a professional, i encourage you to get it.
Do you have any experience with daddy issues in a relationship? How did you transform them? Let me know in the comments!