It’s cold and rainy and my boyfriend has me on a damn rollercoaster. I love this man, but damn! He knows about my fear of heights, and of getting my weave wet, but does he care? Not in the least.
I turn to him, shakily. “Will you hold my hand?”
He scoffs and proceeds to leave me to hold my own hand. So I grip the handlebars and close my eyes as the coaster creaks up the steep hill.
My parents, or at least what I thought they might have looked like, flashed in my mind. In my vision I see their backs, walking away from me. My heart pounds and I bite my lip and evoke a dollop of blood. I lick it gone.
“My God if you don’t hold my hand I’m going to fall!”
“It’s all in your mind. Your mind is powerful,” I hear him say.
More Images of my parents’ backs flash through my mind repeatedly. As we move through the rollercoaster, with my eyes still closed, I visualize my body hurling itself from the top of this contraption to the ground down below where my skull bursts in half. I want anything but to sit on this coaster and be ignored. I want it to stop.
The crazy mental pictures keep coming and I can’t make them stop no matter how hard I try. My hands tremble and I turn to him again.
“Please, hold my hand babe.”
He shakes his head and then says, “You’ve gotta loosen up. It’s all in your mind.”
Why the hell does he keep saying that? Why won’t he comfort me? He’s just like them. He’s going to leave me, too.
At the ride’s peak, my seat buckle clicks apart and my limp body folds over, flying through the night air.
I yell for my life, never looking back up at my lover, a man who cares zero for my life, just like my parents.
My eyes are closed as screams stream out of me and I can’t feel anything. Am I dead? I ask myself. I don’t receive an answer. Could I be conscious of being unconscious?
When I open my eyes I see my lover, his body hurls off of the rollercoaster, too. He wears a smile and somehow his body flies down to me in slow motion.
When he lands I stare at him, astonished that I am still aware of what is happening. I’m not dead. “How is this happening?”
“I told you baby. It’s all in your mind. I’m here for you when you need me, but I will not feed your fear. You are strong and I know it, even if you do not.”
I look all around the park and no one else is there. It’s just me, my lover, and my crazy mind. I am afraid, but I am safe, and I think I am loved, finally.
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