I hope he thinks I’m cute!
What will they say if I wear this?
Maybe I shouldn’t do that…what if they say…
These are the typical thoughts of a people pleaser. How do I know? Because I’ve been a pleaser. Fortunately, I’ve also been a complete i-don’t-give-a-rat’s-right-ass-cheek-what-you-think type as well. In short, I’m familiar with both vantage points.
WHAT’S SO WRONG WITH BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER?
Being a people pleaser makes folks lose respect for you. It’s not because people are cruel…ahem…though sometimes we are. It’s more so because its hard to respect someone who so clearly does not respect or value themselves.
Did I say value?
Yes, I said value. One of my favorite words. If you are constantly aiming to please others, to the point that you don’t even know what you truly like or who you truly are, that’s how you know you’ve gone too far off the deep end. So in short, being too much of people-pleaser is a fast way to lose respect from other people.
SIGNS YOU ARE A PEOPLE PLEASER
YOU CARE A LOT ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK
Do you get a shrinking feeling in the presence of other people? Are you constantly wondering and worrying if someone else is talking crap about you? Realize that when you do this you strip yourself of your own power, and willingly hand it over to someone else.
YOU CONSISTENTLY PLACE OTHERS OPINIONS BEFORE YOUR OWN
We talked about this in the Ariel vs Ursula post. Placing other’s opinions of you before your own opinions about you will always leave you feeling drained. Why? Because you are living your life as a rag doll…essentially living for someone else.
YOU CRAVE VALIDATION AND ATTENTION
Let’s be clear here. We all want these things. BUT…the truth is that no one will have the time to give you ALL of their attention. The song, Attention by The Weeknd, sums it up well.
YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE FLIMSY OR NONEXISTENT
Do the people close to you know what you do and don’t like, or do you simply bend to whatever they want?
I have to catch myself sometimes when I answer questions with, “it’s whatever,” because sometimes I know I’m just trying to make things easier. But it’s okay to have an opinion sometimes. Folks should know what your limits are, and you should be comfortable with your boundaries because …um…you matter!
YOU BELIEVE THE DEFINITION OF LOVE IS SELF-SACRIFICE
Love is appreciation. If you do not appreciate yourself, how are you to appreciate someone else? How would you even know how to do such a thing?
Sacrificing yourself will get you used, that’s for sure. But it won’t get you respect.
COMMIT TO PLEASING YOURSELF SOMEHOW DAILY
Big or small…make the commitment. Mine is that I get up before my child and make myself presentable because I value looking good. This is how I show myself what I want matters.
What can you do EVERYDAY in your life to show yourself that your wants and needs matter?
SAY “NO” MORE
If your gut reaction is a no to something, don’t just ignore that. There is a reason you told yourself no. Sometimes we say yes to appease our friends, or to look a certain way, but this is not conducive to building self-trust or self-respect. Love yourself enough to respect your own feelings. If it’s a no…it’s a no.
KEEP AN ONGOING LOG OF YOUR DREAMS AND DESIRES. AND WORK TOWARDS THEM!
One remedy to pleasing others is to remember to please YOURSELF. But you can’t know what to do if you don’t know what’s pleasing to you!
Be sure to keep a list of what truly pleases you. I know it may seem trivial to keep a list, but life gets hectic. My experience as a new mom has completely rocked my perception of self, my identity, and the amount of time I have to even devote to my own internal musings.
Things will happen in life, but it’s your responsibility to decide to please yourself. Again we know that others may not always care or have the capacity to care about what we have going on. So the least you can do it be there for yourself!
Nia Venus 💋
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