He wants sex, but she’s tired and stressed. She wants a date night, but he wants to Netflix and chill. She wants Louis Vuitton, but he’s barely covering the bills.

Couple fights happen. We all know this. Why do they happen? Because women and men are different. In today’s time, we are taking it a step further by playing with gender norms.

These days, it’s not uncommon for a woman to work outside of the home, and this can take things up an even higher notch. So what’s the deal? How can we look at arguments and take something positive from them?

I have a few suggestions.

1. Understand Masculinity and Femininity on a base level.

In any relationship, there has to be polarity. Polarity meaning one person is more masculine, and the other is more feminine. Both of these energies are necessary in order to sustain a union. Just as we have night and day, up and down, and left and right, in order to sustain our world.

Remember the reason you are attracted to a man, is because he’s different. He’s not a woman. That means he will have traits that are different from you. He will think differently as well. This is what attracted you to each other. Keep that in mind.

This means that when you two can’t see eye to eye, which WILL happen, what’s really happening is that you’re needing to reconcile your energies.

So first off, let’s remember the nature of masculinity and femininity. Masculinity is outward and independent. Femininity is inward and relational. Masculinity is attracted to femininity because it represents connection, which is the element masculinity lacks. Femininity is attracted to masculinity because it represents direction and stability.

When these energies come together and appreciate each other in a relationship, harmony can be reached. The man provides direction and stability for the woman, and the woman helps the man feel connected and loved.

One key thing to remember is that typically in arguments, women will want to talk and discuss, while men will want to find solutions. It’s the classic right and left brain thing. Men on the whole tend to be more to the point, while women tend to be more cyclical.

As a woman, if you find yourself feeling left alone in the cold in your relationship during an argument, a good strategy would be to take that time to go within your own center and dig into what you actually NEED. Then you can tell him what that is. This is what brings us to our next point…

2. Identify your deeper need.

As stated previously, masculinity needs connection and femininity needs direction. However, when we get into arguments, we tend to take away exactly what our partner needs from us.

For instance, when she’s upset a woman may not want to take direction from a man, or listen to him at all, because in that moment she can’t respect him. She’s too focused on what made her upset. She’s in her emotions and can’t see him for the man he is.

Alternately, a man may not want to connect with a woman when he’s stressed or upset with her. He’d rather be around other men, or a different woman who is in a better mood where he can feel more like “the man.”

When we’re upset, and act from this space, we rarely do the best thing for the relationship. The woman hides away her love which he craves, and the man hides away his dependability and presence which she craves.

3. Take some space.

During an argument it’s important to have space. This does not mean you simply leave the space without saying anything, which is something I’ve fallen guilty to a million times, but instead you’d want to create some sort of “safe word“ or “time out” lingo that you agree on.

You’ll agree to request a “time out” or something of the sort whenever you have an argument, so that you guys can get your heads sorted out. Personally, I usually like to journal or listen to music during the space time.

4. Come back.

This is important! Don’t just leave upset and never come back to sort shit out. The sort out is where you can actually learn more about what happened, and who knows? You might even have some makeup sex?

After both of you have had your time to think over what happened, you’ll want to come back together for discussion. It’s important to come back when you are in a more level headed space. It’s okay if you’re still upset, but you don’t want to be on “bust the windows out your car” levels, you know?

When you come back together, try your best to jump out of your ego and really LISTEN to what your partner has to say. If you listen close enough, I’m sure you’ll be able to pick out where his masculinity got demeaned, or where your femininity was threatened. Maybe you said something to make him feel less than a man, or maybe he did something that made you feel less connected. Either way, listen with an ear to resolve, not to push the fight further.

And most importantly, when you have an argument don’t forget the love you share, and the reason you two got together in the first place.

Now…let me go talk to my husband. We’re in the middle of an argument right now. 😂🔥

Peace and love,

Nia Venus